Grandpa

A violent, malignant growth,
Spread through him.
And every nerve it screamed of pain.
Doctor, take his pain away.
I saw him there, mind and spirit gone,
Pissing blood and spewing hate,
Names that I have heard before,
But hearing them, it just hurt more.
So fuck you fates, I hate you all,
Taking pleasure in his misery.
It hurts me too but no one can see,
I hear your screams, I feel your pain,
You wanted me at your side again,
But I wasn't.
Now I walk behind your hearse,
Tears in check to comfort your daughter and grandchildren.
Said my goodbyes but I'd hope you'd be,
Proud of me.
It's been a while now.
Your daughter, my mother asked me if I even cared,
But you always told me that men should be strong,
I'm all grown up now and fighting the tears,
Basking in nonsense to drown out my feelings,
Emptying my heart of all these emotions,
You never told me what I should do,
When I'm living in a life without you.
So like those chess games we used to play,
I'm making my moves one step at a time,
I don't know if you know but it's haunting me.
I should have been more than myself.
I should have been by your side as I passed.
But I wasn't.